The talking snake, naked lady, great flood and perverted angels. Bedtime stories….
This is a long story son, are you sure you want to hear it? Yes? Ok here goes……..
It all began when a talking snake tricked a naked lady into eating a piece of fruit. Her husband decided that he liked the fruit so he ate some too. This made God so mad that he banished them from their garden and placed two angels with a flaming sword at the garden gate.
The man and the woman now had to work and grow their own food. Since life was now so easy they decided to start a family. They had a couple of kids and continued to farm. Their first son Cain killed their second son Abel because he was mad that God liked Abel’s lamb better than Cain’s vegetables. God is not a vegetarian like your Mom and I. At any rate, Cain made God mad, so mad in fact that he banished the murderer to the wilderness with only his Sister/wife to keep him company. Cain was afraid that someone would kill him in revenge but God told him not to worry that he would protect him.
Soon afterwards some angels decided to turn bad and come to earth to have sex with women. Remind me to explain sex to you in about 5 years from now. The Angels and the women had big giant babies that liked to hurt people. You might call them bully babies. God looked down at all of this and decided to destroy all life on earth because mankind was wicked and he felt regret for making everything.
There was one man in all the land who was good. His name was Noah. God told Noah to build a boat about the size of a football field. So Noah got to work cutting trees, making lumber, and building the boat. After he was done building the boat, God told Noah to round up two of every animal on earth and 7 of some others, and pack them into the boat. So Noah rounded up the lemurs, kangaroos, polar bears, penguins, lions and squirrels and loaded them into the boat. Noah and his family then climbed aboard and God shut the door. Can you imagine living in a box full of animals for a year? Noah’s sons probably had to clean up all of the animal poop every day to keep the boat clean.
It rained from the sky down and from the ground up until all life on earth was destroyed. The water was so high that it reached 30,000 feet up, as high as jetliners fly now. Noah and his family and all of the animals lived in the Boat for about a year until finally things dried out enough to come out. Where did the water go? Good question, maybe God used a giant shop vac and put it into space? When they stepped out of the Boat, God told Noah that he would ever destroy everything again because God realized that man had wicked built into him, so what’s the point? God gave himself a reminder in the form of a rainbow. Whenever God sees a rainbow, he remembers that he promised Noah not to destroy the earth again.
Shortly after the flood Noah’s grandson Nimrod decided to be a king and built a city. He gathered everyone around and said let’s build a tower that reaches the sky. So the people started building the tower. God looks down and sees the tower and says “there is no stopping these people” , let’s go down there and confuse their languages so they stop building the tower. As soon as God changed every ones languages they decided to stop building the tower and the people left for parts unknown.
The Bible as explained to my 5 year old son... 
I was actually looking at tags for EVE Online when your story came up. Thanks for explaining the story so simply, I had previously failed to grasp the logic behind the beginning of the book. Now I understand where rainbows come from and physics be damned.
I am so glad that you showed how this god regularly tests people and when he finds them to be fallible and human just as he made them, like Eve with the apple, punishes them. Lord have mercy.