Lot, the pillar of salt, and keeping it in the family…..

Lot and his daughters flee, leaving a pile of salt behind.

Lot was Abrahams nephew. Lot lived in a place called Sodom and Gomorrah which were two towns that were full of bad people. God became very angry with these two towns and decided to destroy them by making it rain fire from heaven. Yes, like an upside down volcano. Why was he angry with them? Because the people were “sleeping” with each other. I will explain what that means when you are older. At any rate, God sent two angels to warn Lot and his family. The angels told the family “you need to run for the hills, don’t look back.” The family ran for the hills but Lot’s wife turned around to look at the cities burning, and so God got mad at her and transformed her into a giant statue of salt. Huh? Do your potato chips have pieces of Lot’s wife on them? Good question, I don’t think so but maybe?

After God saved Lot and his two daughters from the destruction of Sodom and Gommorah, Lot and his daughters lived in a cave. His daughters wanted to have babies really really bad so they made Lot drink too much wine and then they “married” their dad so he “slept” with them and put babies in their bellies. This made God happy. Thus Lot became a “daddy-grandpa” with a pounding headache.

Abraham, babies, and knives….

Abraham lived about 300 years after God created all of the languages.  Abraham lived in a town called Ur until the time that God said “Abraham, look up at the stars. I am going to give you as many children as there are stars, but first I want you to start living in tents.”   Abe packed up everything he owned and headed off into the desert.  Abraham was an old man with an old wife named Sarah.  Sarah couldn’t have babies so Abraham decided to have one with Sarah’s maid Hagar the housekeeper.  I know it sounds strange, but that’s what God told him to do.  Where do babies come from? Umm, after we are done with this story you can go ask Mommy.  At any rate, soon Hagar had a boy.  Everything was great until God told Sarah to have Hagar the housekeeper take the baby and head off into the desert alone.  No I don’t know what happened to them, but I am sure it was something happy.

Abraham shows his love for God

Abraham was pretty bummed about this. Here he was with a 90 year old wife stuck in the desert with no kids. Sarah prayed for a child and soon God made Sarah pregnant even though she was 90. Can you imagine Great Grandma having a baby? The baby boy’s name was Isaac.  One day God again spoke to Abraham. He told him “If you love me, go up to the mountain and tie up Isaac and kill him with a knife.” Abraham took his son up on the mountain and just as he was going to kill his son, God said “Stop! I was just kidding, kill that goat instead”.   That is probably why Isaac had trust issues with his dad.  What’s that?  Would I ever kill you if God told me to? No sweetheart of course not.  God doesn’t talk to Daddy like he did to Abraham.

In the beginning…..

The talking snake, naked lady, great flood and perverted angels. Bedtime stories….

This is a long story son, are you sure you want to hear it? Yes? Ok here goes……..

It all began when a talking snake tricked a naked lady into eating a piece of fruit. Her husband decided that he liked the fruit so he ate some too. This made God so mad that he banished them from their garden and placed two angels with a flaming sword at the garden gate.

The man and the woman now had to work and grow their own food.  Since life was now so easy they decided to start a family. They had a couple of kids and continued to farm. Their first son Cain killed their second son Abel because he was mad that God liked Abel’s lamb better than Cain’s vegetables.  God is not a vegetarian like your Mom and I.  At any rate, Cain made God mad, so mad in fact that he banished the murderer to the wilderness with only his Sister/wife to keep him company. Cain was afraid that someone would kill him in revenge but God told him not to worry that he would protect him.

Soon afterwards some angels decided to turn bad and come to earth to have sex with women.  Remind me to explain sex to you in about 5 years from now.  The Angels and the women had big giant babies that liked to hurt people. You might call them bully babies.  God looked down at all of this and decided to destroy all life on earth because mankind was wicked and he felt regret for making everything. 

There was one man in all the land who was good. His name was Noah. God told Noah to build a boat about the size of a football field. So Noah got to work cutting trees, making lumber, and building the boat. After he was done building the boat, God told Noah to round up two of every animal on earth and 7 of some others, and pack them into the boat.  So Noah rounded up the lemurs, kangaroos, polar bears, penguins, lions and squirrels and loaded them into the boat.  Noah and his family then climbed aboard and God shut the door. Can you imagine living in a box full of animals for a year? Noah’s sons probably had to clean up all of the animal poop every day to keep the boat clean. 

It rained from the sky down and from the ground up until all life on earth was destroyed. The water was so high that it reached 30,000 feet up, as high as jetliners fly now.  Noah and his family and all of the animals lived in the Boat for about a year until finally things dried out enough to come out.  Where did the water go? Good question, maybe God used a giant shop vac and put it into space?   When they stepped out of the Boat, God told Noah that he would ever destroy everything again because God realized that man had wicked built into him, so what’s the point? God gave himself a reminder in the form of a rainbow. Whenever God sees a rainbow, he remembers that he promised Noah not to destroy the earth again.

Shortly after the flood Noah’s grandson Nimrod decided to be a king and built a city. He gathered everyone around and said let’s build a tower that reaches the sky. So the people started building the tower. God looks down and sees the tower and says “there is no stopping these people” , let’s go down there and confuse their languages so they stop building the tower.  As soon as God changed every ones languages they decided to stop building the tower and the people left for parts unknown.